We all have those moments where we really see ourselves in something. A connection with a character. If we're lucky, a lot of these times the connection is a positive one. We see a glowing, triumphant reflection of ourselves in a movie, book or friend's humour etc., and it makes us feel good about ourselves, and more importantly, not alone in the world.
I have learned this last year how important it is to know you're not alone. How crushing the feeling can be, when we wrongly convince ourselves that we are alone. I've taken it so hard before that its crawled into my chest, and caused me to have trouble breathing. A body-crippling anxiety.
Far beyond the feeling of being alone however, is my opinion of the worst feeling in the world. My biggest fear. Feeling not good enough. Not good enough for yourself, someone else, and anyone else.
As Leonardo DiCaprio's character Cobb asked the audience in Inception; "What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient.... highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed -fully understood-that sticks, right in there somewhere... " Once we convince ourselves, or rather, even begin to have the slightest doubt in our bodies that we are just plain "not enough" (whatever the fuck that means), it takes a huge event in our lives, a truly magnificent person, or sometimes, even medication for us to take steps to get over this.
In my opinion, I think a person remains forever changed after that parasitic thought first latches onto our brain. I don't think it can ever fully be shaken free, we just surround ourselves with people and situations that
makes us feel short-term that we are enough, that distract us from the incessant nagging, pulsating doubt in our brain that whispers and echos at us when we are alone; "not enough not enough, not enough".
This cycle of feeling not enough and the utter helplessness that always pairs that feeling terrifies me and cuts me deeper than any other feeling I have experienced. I constantly fear the fresh new bouts of not feeling enough more than I fear my own eventual demise.
This short dramatic skit I found on youtube, "Maneesh", threw my slightly darkened heart into a video before my eyes. For those that read this, I don't wish to say too much about my interpretation of the skit and its meaning, (as I think it's great to have an audience reach their own conclusions for works such as these) but to me this piece is all about self-rejection.
Being surrounded by people, or just one person, who is completely bewildered by our lack of self-esteem, and constant feeling of shame we have for ourselves. Shame over how we look. Shame over our education. Shame over how we talk. If our toes are too close together, or if we have too many freckles. The shame and over-analysis that plagues us all (to varying degrees).
It's about that look of pain in another person's eyes when they realize they can't help us, and our sometimes terrible self-image.
To me it's about what could have been, and what we walk away from and loose due to our own self-rejection. The unwritten chapter in our lives that we can now never read since we talked ourselves out of applying to that school, trying to get that scholarship, joining that baseball team or asking that girl out.
It's about feeling alone, and being wanted by others, but being too scared to put ourselves out there because being "out there" can lead to pain.
It's about me. And you.
This is a less happy time to see a reflection of myself in something, but knowing the beasts inside of you helps you to vanquish them. I have a rather large "Maneesh" inside of me that I hide away with a front of sarcasm to prevent most others from seeing it.
And he must be found and destroyed. He is holding me back.
Enjoy:
