Saturday, 29 March 2014
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Who Needs Job Security When You Have a 10% Discount on New York Fries?
I've been jumping through a lot of hoops for a job recently at a business that deals with finances down town. It's not what I ever saw myself doing to be honest, I don't think my personality is best served shackled behind a desk, but it would have been my first job job, if you know what I mean. A potential career track with full-time hours and health and stock benefits. Something that when you're with family at Thanksgiving or with friends and asked "so, where do you work now/what's new with you?" you can respond fairly proudly with rather than crapping your pants in simultaneous fear and hatred of being asked that question and having nothing better to say than, "Still at McDonalds actually" or, "I beat my previous highest Bejewelled score last Saturday and am really excited about that achievement" a.k.a. my regular go-to answers as I'm spectacularly unimpressive. Guitar Hero tells me I rock, so I must. That's science.
But, just as I was moving past the fear of getting the job and adjusting my life to a solid 9 - 5 type schedule and all the commuting and headaches that come with that, and instead, thinking about how nice it would be to move down town and being able to go to the Doctor and Dentist again and get a cell phone... I was informed that I didn't get the job, while at work, at my part-time retail job. Yeah. Didn't make the remainder of my shift that much fun. Let me step you though the interview process for this job.
Stage 1: Get a phone interview. Impress them enough and you're green-lit for stage two. Goodie for you.
Stage 2: Second phone interview on speaker with another Manager/higher up on the phone. That's right, it was impossible for them to just get the other person in the room with them during your first interview. Fuck that nonsense, it requires a whole other phone interview.
Stage 3: In-person testing and face-to-face interview. You go down town and write a literacy, writing and math test. Pass all three and you get a lunch break and then meet two more people for a face to face interview, you lucky duck.
Stage 4: Background check and references. Don't pat yourself on the back yet! You fucker!
Stage 5: Five weeks of training down town, and possibly, writing five tests, one at the end of each week of training. Pass all tests and don't make them think you're an idiot during those five weeks and you get the job.
I made it to the end of stage 3.
Phone interviews went great and I studied like a mother fucker for those tests. I poured over old "Math for Finances" books dreading them not asking math that I can easily remember like Algebra and Trig but instead, to be asked to divide fractions and convert fractions into ratios, grade school/high school shit. This is why we invented calculators, people. I passed all the testing and got my lunch break and tried staring at my resume again, mentally running myself through the paces, "preparing" for the interview (really, how much can you prepare for something when you don't know what they'll ask you?) but honestly, my brain turned off at that point and said no.
My first phone interview I wasn't even notified for, and the company didn't come up on the caller display, so I just answered it normally not knowing who it was and was then launched into an unexpected job interview. I rocked that. The second phone interview I mentally prepared for more, as I at least knew this one was coming, but I didn't stress myself over it too too much. I rocked it. I spent SO much time worried about the vague "English and math testing" that I didn't take the time to prepare again for this third interview with them. I figured, you know, I'm good with people in person. If I can make it past the first one, on the phone, when I didn't even know what was going on, this should be alright.
Wrong, you dumb cunthead.
It didn't go terribly, I've never had a bad in-person interview before, but I would call it my -A material. When you're doing your THIRD interview with the same freakin' company, being asked questions like "So, tell me of a time at work where you just had too much to do and how you dealt with that" for a third god damn time... you just get tired. I'm tired of sitting up straight in your uncomfortable chair, pretending that I have anything close to good posture. I'm tired of wearing make up and "professional" clothes and removing any signs of my personal identity that might be "inappropriate". I'm tired of trying to make myself, a square peg, fit inside this triangle shaped hole. Maybe I reject you, and this, and all this stuffy office "successful" job bullshit and am going to flip over your heavily polished business table!
... I didn't do that but mainly because the table would have been too heavy for me to flip anyway, not because I didn't want to. I totes would have. Fuck the system, etc.
So, I found out I didn't get it via e-mail while at work, and while that might suck for most people, I'm strange and prefer hearing bad news when I'm in a busy environment and alone, which I was both of at work. I was quickly OK with it, after getting past the initial disappointment in myself. My lunch break was the hardest part of the day actually, sitting alone, chewing and thinking with your scum bag brain going, "HEY! NOT SURE WHY THEY HATED YOU? I'VE CREATED AN ALPHABETIZED LIST OF REASONS YOU SUCK DICK AND AM NOW GOING TO RECITE THEM TO YOU IN ORDER TO HELP YOU FIGURE IT OUT! A: ASS HOLE, YOU'RE AN ASS HOLE, B: BOOBS, YOU HAVE NONE, YOU FLAT-CHESTED FREAK C:..."
That and having people tell you that everything happens for a reason and things have a way of working themselves out, one door closes and another opens brand of BS is also the hardest part of any failure for me. I get it, you're trying to be kind and cheer me up as you can see I'm sad and disappointed but seriously, I want to punch everyone that ever says that to me in the face. There is no grand design, or fate, or destiny, or reason I should be happy that I didn't get it because it means I was destined for something else. You're destined to have me kick your ass right now in public. Who am I kidding... you could probably take me.
So, I'm back at square one, going on interviews and working in the mall part time, just staring at my booklet of deals I get in stores in the mall as a mall employee, hence the mention of my 10% discount on New York Fries. A life with me might not mean I can ever shower you in riches or buy you all the things you deserve as my parent or friend or significant other, but, I can promise you discounts on fries, and honestly, isn't that all you can ask for from life? No? Will a 30% discount on regularly priced merchandise at Shopper's Drugmart sweeten the deal? Didn't think so.
Like my coupons, with their asterisks next to all the deals listing the terms and conditions, lately I'm feeling awesome*
*note: not actually awesome, subject to differences in definition of "awesome" between Merriam-Webster and other dictionaries, not able to be used with any other "awesome" offer, only guaranteed to be awesome on weekdays between 10 - 10:10 am and not on weekends, use of this awesome coupon may give you sudden and uncontrollable Syphilis.
Turning 25 is going to be so depressing for me. I don't judge others I know who don't have jobs they've dreamed of having for years.. but I always fear I'm being judged by others more harshly. Even if you don't like your job, at least if you have a full-time job, that's something. I'm stuck with part-time... minimum wage. A name tag. I want to make a line of shirts that read "I went to ________ University/College and all I got was this shitty name tag for work... and this shirt".
On a side note: If you ever need someone to help you with percentages, fractions, decimals, derivatives and all that fun stuff, I'm now a rockstar at that. That and Bejewelled. Tell your friends.
But, just as I was moving past the fear of getting the job and adjusting my life to a solid 9 - 5 type schedule and all the commuting and headaches that come with that, and instead, thinking about how nice it would be to move down town and being able to go to the Doctor and Dentist again and get a cell phone... I was informed that I didn't get the job, while at work, at my part-time retail job. Yeah. Didn't make the remainder of my shift that much fun. Let me step you though the interview process for this job.
Stage 1: Get a phone interview. Impress them enough and you're green-lit for stage two. Goodie for you.
Stage 2: Second phone interview on speaker with another Manager/higher up on the phone. That's right, it was impossible for them to just get the other person in the room with them during your first interview. Fuck that nonsense, it requires a whole other phone interview.
Stage 3: In-person testing and face-to-face interview. You go down town and write a literacy, writing and math test. Pass all three and you get a lunch break and then meet two more people for a face to face interview, you lucky duck.
Stage 4: Background check and references. Don't pat yourself on the back yet! You fucker!
Stage 5: Five weeks of training down town, and possibly, writing five tests, one at the end of each week of training. Pass all tests and don't make them think you're an idiot during those five weeks and you get the job.
I made it to the end of stage 3.
Phone interviews went great and I studied like a mother fucker for those tests. I poured over old "Math for Finances" books dreading them not asking math that I can easily remember like Algebra and Trig but instead, to be asked to divide fractions and convert fractions into ratios, grade school/high school shit. This is why we invented calculators, people. I passed all the testing and got my lunch break and tried staring at my resume again, mentally running myself through the paces, "preparing" for the interview (really, how much can you prepare for something when you don't know what they'll ask you?) but honestly, my brain turned off at that point and said no.
My first phone interview I wasn't even notified for, and the company didn't come up on the caller display, so I just answered it normally not knowing who it was and was then launched into an unexpected job interview. I rocked that. The second phone interview I mentally prepared for more, as I at least knew this one was coming, but I didn't stress myself over it too too much. I rocked it. I spent SO much time worried about the vague "English and math testing" that I didn't take the time to prepare again for this third interview with them. I figured, you know, I'm good with people in person. If I can make it past the first one, on the phone, when I didn't even know what was going on, this should be alright.
Wrong, you dumb cunthead.
It didn't go terribly, I've never had a bad in-person interview before, but I would call it my -A material. When you're doing your THIRD interview with the same freakin' company, being asked questions like "So, tell me of a time at work where you just had too much to do and how you dealt with that" for a third god damn time... you just get tired. I'm tired of sitting up straight in your uncomfortable chair, pretending that I have anything close to good posture. I'm tired of wearing make up and "professional" clothes and removing any signs of my personal identity that might be "inappropriate". I'm tired of trying to make myself, a square peg, fit inside this triangle shaped hole. Maybe I reject you, and this, and all this stuffy office "successful" job bullshit and am going to flip over your heavily polished business table!
... I didn't do that but mainly because the table would have been too heavy for me to flip anyway, not because I didn't want to. I totes would have. Fuck the system, etc.
So, I found out I didn't get it via e-mail while at work, and while that might suck for most people, I'm strange and prefer hearing bad news when I'm in a busy environment and alone, which I was both of at work. I was quickly OK with it, after getting past the initial disappointment in myself. My lunch break was the hardest part of the day actually, sitting alone, chewing and thinking with your scum bag brain going, "HEY! NOT SURE WHY THEY HATED YOU? I'VE CREATED AN ALPHABETIZED LIST OF REASONS YOU SUCK DICK AND AM NOW GOING TO RECITE THEM TO YOU IN ORDER TO HELP YOU FIGURE IT OUT! A: ASS HOLE, YOU'RE AN ASS HOLE, B: BOOBS, YOU HAVE NONE, YOU FLAT-CHESTED FREAK C:..."
That and having people tell you that everything happens for a reason and things have a way of working themselves out, one door closes and another opens brand of BS is also the hardest part of any failure for me. I get it, you're trying to be kind and cheer me up as you can see I'm sad and disappointed but seriously, I want to punch everyone that ever says that to me in the face. There is no grand design, or fate, or destiny, or reason I should be happy that I didn't get it because it means I was destined for something else. You're destined to have me kick your ass right now in public. Who am I kidding... you could probably take me.
So, I'm back at square one, going on interviews and working in the mall part time, just staring at my booklet of deals I get in stores in the mall as a mall employee, hence the mention of my 10% discount on New York Fries. A life with me might not mean I can ever shower you in riches or buy you all the things you deserve as my parent or friend or significant other, but, I can promise you discounts on fries, and honestly, isn't that all you can ask for from life? No? Will a 30% discount on regularly priced merchandise at Shopper's Drugmart sweeten the deal? Didn't think so.
Like my coupons, with their asterisks next to all the deals listing the terms and conditions, lately I'm feeling awesome*
*note: not actually awesome, subject to differences in definition of "awesome" between Merriam-Webster and other dictionaries, not able to be used with any other "awesome" offer, only guaranteed to be awesome on weekdays between 10 - 10:10 am and not on weekends, use of this awesome coupon may give you sudden and uncontrollable Syphilis.
Turning 25 is going to be so depressing for me. I don't judge others I know who don't have jobs they've dreamed of having for years.. but I always fear I'm being judged by others more harshly. Even if you don't like your job, at least if you have a full-time job, that's something. I'm stuck with part-time... minimum wage. A name tag. I want to make a line of shirts that read "I went to ________ University/College and all I got was this shitty name tag for work... and this shirt".
On a side note: If you ever need someone to help you with percentages, fractions, decimals, derivatives and all that fun stuff, I'm now a rockstar at that. That and Bejewelled. Tell your friends.
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
This Video Is Still Capable Of Making Me Cry Laughing.
Seriously.
Steams of tears down my face.
It's been years since I've first seen this but I could watch it every day and it would still reduce me to tears.
I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. A really long time.
"Be-a-cuase"
Fucking died. Just.... golden.
Steams of tears down my face.
It's been years since I've first seen this but I could watch it every day and it would still reduce me to tears.
I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. A really long time.
"Be-a-cuase"
Fucking died. Just.... golden.
Monday, 10 March 2014
Track I'm Really Digging Right Now
I'm really in a sombre music mood right now. I think we all go through music moods, at least I know I do. Times where you just feel like songs that make you want to dance and feel alive, or, songs that make you think of a special someone or relive certain memories. Periods where all you listen to are sad songs on rainy days, as heavy drops pitter patter on window panes almost like a backup drummer.
I'm in a sad music mood.
This song makes me cry and wish someone would hold me, but at the same time, I can't stop listening to it.
I'm in a sad music mood.
This song makes me cry and wish someone would hold me, but at the same time, I can't stop listening to it.
Thursday, 6 March 2014
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