Thursday, 17 April 2014
Thursday, 10 April 2014
Sunday, 6 April 2014
Cooking Protip #943: Washing your Hands after Cooking with Jalapeño Peppers
*This is most likely one of those NSFW/so embarrassing stories that you should never tell anyone, but I know a friend or two that need some cheering up, so, this is for you....
Always wash your hands after cooking with Jalapeños.
Right away.
Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00
Don't tell yourself that you'll wash them later. You will forget and won't remember you have the juice on your skin until you go to rub your eye or something worse.
That juice does. not. fucking. go. away. It may dry, but, it's not gone.
You'd figure that I would already know this and would have already well learned my lesson. Every damn time I cook with the things, I end up inadvertently touching the corner of my eye, my lip or my nostril with my fingers, coated in Jalapeño juice, and end up on a first-class ride to pain town, population me.
You'd think I would have learned my lesson, and yet...........
I cooked with them again tonight, made lime chicken for the family, one of my fav recipes. Managed to get through dicing them with only badly setting my top lip on fire (I needed to ice it) and rubbing the corner of my eye once, putting it in pain for a few minutes.
I forget to wash my hands after finishing cooking and eating.
I go to the bathroom late at night. I get the splendid idea to get frisky with myself.
And now I sit on my bed, up at 4 30 in the morning due to pain, with wet PJ bottoms as I had to insert a fucking ice cube into my vagina to deal with the SEARING PAIN.
It's melted. I'm still on fire down there. I need to get another one. I'm the literal definition of fire crotch right now.
I thought I knew what pain was before this moment, but I can tell you now with complete confidence, you have no idea what pain is until you set your genitals on fire. I rather be giving birth to a fucking baby right now. I need a vagina transplant. I need to get put on the donor vagina list. I need morphine.
If I get swollen down there and an infection from this I'm going to lie at the hospital and say I inflamed my secret garden by saving a child from a burning building. The child lived but most unfortunately, a burning beam collapsed and fell squarely on my vagina. I'm a god damn hero. Give me a medal. Well, first give me the pain-cancelling drugs, enough to sedate an elephant, then we'll swing by the nationally televised news report officially announcing my bravery and I'll pick up the medal.
I'm damn sure not going to tell a bunch of nurses and doctors that in reality, I forgot to wash my hands and then got horny. I choose to die from the infection instead.
So yeah. Always wash your hands after cooking with Jalapeños.
Always wash your hands after cooking with Jalapeños.
Right away.
Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00
Don't tell yourself that you'll wash them later. You will forget and won't remember you have the juice on your skin until you go to rub your eye or something worse.
That juice does. not. fucking. go. away. It may dry, but, it's not gone.
You'd figure that I would already know this and would have already well learned my lesson. Every damn time I cook with the things, I end up inadvertently touching the corner of my eye, my lip or my nostril with my fingers, coated in Jalapeño juice, and end up on a first-class ride to pain town, population me.
You'd think I would have learned my lesson, and yet...........
I cooked with them again tonight, made lime chicken for the family, one of my fav recipes. Managed to get through dicing them with only badly setting my top lip on fire (I needed to ice it) and rubbing the corner of my eye once, putting it in pain for a few minutes.
I forget to wash my hands after finishing cooking and eating.
I go to the bathroom late at night. I get the splendid idea to get frisky with myself.
And now I sit on my bed, up at 4 30 in the morning due to pain, with wet PJ bottoms as I had to insert a fucking ice cube into my vagina to deal with the SEARING PAIN.
It's melted. I'm still on fire down there. I need to get another one. I'm the literal definition of fire crotch right now.
I thought I knew what pain was before this moment, but I can tell you now with complete confidence, you have no idea what pain is until you set your genitals on fire. I rather be giving birth to a fucking baby right now. I need a vagina transplant. I need to get put on the donor vagina list. I need morphine.
If I get swollen down there and an infection from this I'm going to lie at the hospital and say I inflamed my secret garden by saving a child from a burning building. The child lived but most unfortunately, a burning beam collapsed and fell squarely on my vagina. I'm a god damn hero. Give me a medal. Well, first give me the pain-cancelling drugs, enough to sedate an elephant, then we'll swing by the nationally televised news report officially announcing my bravery and I'll pick up the medal.
I'm damn sure not going to tell a bunch of nurses and doctors that in reality, I forgot to wash my hands and then got horny. I choose to die from the infection instead.
So yeah. Always wash your hands after cooking with Jalapeños.
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