Saturday, 6 April 2013
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Pinch Me
Tried to sleep tonight but just tossed and turned. Too much on my mind.
Was cleaning through my computer and came across something short I wrote about two years ago.
I had recently graduated from University and was working away at College with an increasingly
unsettling feeling growing inside me that it just wasn't working out. It was a very confusing time in
my life, but present me looks back at past me and laughs at her. My life is currently so much
more confusing than when I was still in school. Perspective is a stone-cold bitch.
Part of me hated that when I read this, I could still relate to all of it and felt it accurately described how I feel in terms of my life and existence. Maybe I haven't grown or changed at all since December 15th, 2011 at 7:38 PM when I felt inspired to create this, and that does not sit well with me. Then again, it makes the present version of me, flailing around and taking seven giant steps backwards whenever I successfully take one shaky one forward feel less alone, like a shadow version of myself is sitting beside me saying "I know that feel bro". Anyways, here's what I wrote:
"Everybody's betting on my number but me. Crowd cheering, wagers made, everything on the line. Young muscles aged by chasing fluffy things down holes. Just run after the rabbit. Keep running. This track goes in circles. Only one more lap. Too much sacrificed to stop. Don't wonder what it's like to walk. They walk, and they choose to watch me run. It's not entertainment, it's jealously, and I'm jealous of them too. Run past the rosebush, no time to stop. Only one more lap. Legs numb, brain numb. Sprint to the head of the pack. The rabbit's fake. I think I always knew that, but I still feel cheated. Foolishly scampering after something I was never meant to catch. Only one more lap I'm told, but I've been lied to before. Just run after the rabbit. Keep running."
I still feel that many comparisons can be made between young adult life and a circular dog track. I still feel that the rabbit I've been chasing is fake, and I still feel cheated. I don't know whether I need to keep running or whether it's better for me to sit my ass down, unlace my shoes and scream at the top of my lungs "fuckkk this shit!" and find my own track to run on. Figuring out who you are is a lonely business and I'm really hating it. I feel deeply alone unless I'm around friends. I saw a friend earlier on in the week and when I got home and closed the door my stomach twisted up and my heart started to race a little. I didn't want to be left alone with myself again. I don't find myself as nice of company as I used to.
It all reminds me of this classic song which has always had a special place inside of my heart:
"Pinch me, pinch me, cuz I'm still asleep"
Was cleaning through my computer and came across something short I wrote about two years ago.
I had recently graduated from University and was working away at College with an increasingly
unsettling feeling growing inside me that it just wasn't working out. It was a very confusing time in
my life, but present me looks back at past me and laughs at her. My life is currently so much
more confusing than when I was still in school. Perspective is a stone-cold bitch.
Part of me hated that when I read this, I could still relate to all of it and felt it accurately described how I feel in terms of my life and existence. Maybe I haven't grown or changed at all since December 15th, 2011 at 7:38 PM when I felt inspired to create this, and that does not sit well with me. Then again, it makes the present version of me, flailing around and taking seven giant steps backwards whenever I successfully take one shaky one forward feel less alone, like a shadow version of myself is sitting beside me saying "I know that feel bro". Anyways, here's what I wrote:
"Everybody's betting on my number but me. Crowd cheering, wagers made, everything on the line. Young muscles aged by chasing fluffy things down holes. Just run after the rabbit. Keep running. This track goes in circles. Only one more lap. Too much sacrificed to stop. Don't wonder what it's like to walk. They walk, and they choose to watch me run. It's not entertainment, it's jealously, and I'm jealous of them too. Run past the rosebush, no time to stop. Only one more lap. Legs numb, brain numb. Sprint to the head of the pack. The rabbit's fake. I think I always knew that, but I still feel cheated. Foolishly scampering after something I was never meant to catch. Only one more lap I'm told, but I've been lied to before. Just run after the rabbit. Keep running."
I still feel that many comparisons can be made between young adult life and a circular dog track. I still feel that the rabbit I've been chasing is fake, and I still feel cheated. I don't know whether I need to keep running or whether it's better for me to sit my ass down, unlace my shoes and scream at the top of my lungs "fuckkk this shit!" and find my own track to run on. Figuring out who you are is a lonely business and I'm really hating it. I feel deeply alone unless I'm around friends. I saw a friend earlier on in the week and when I got home and closed the door my stomach twisted up and my heart started to race a little. I didn't want to be left alone with myself again. I don't find myself as nice of company as I used to.
It all reminds me of this classic song which has always had a special place inside of my heart:
"Pinch me, pinch me, cuz I'm still asleep"
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