Y so hard?
Friday, 13 December 2013
Saturday, 7 December 2013
Thursday, 5 December 2013
Ten Things I've Learned From Working In Retail
Working in a shoe department isn't what I'd call my dream job, or calling. Hell, I don't think a life in retail is the type of occupation that anyone dreams about having, but, it's a learning opportunity. If you pay attention and listen, every job isn't just a source of income and another notch on the bedpost of your resume, but also provides an environment where you can learn a lot about yourself and pick up transferable job skills in general as well. Here are some of the more important things I've learned or had further cemented in my mind since working in retail:
1) People will assume you're stupid - get used to it.
While it's much easier to say "get used to it" than it is to actually put it into practice, it's sadly something myself and co-workers deal with far too often, and it helps make your job easier if you develop a tough skin to customers' negative assumptions about you. I've been asked, well, not even asked more so just been told by customers that I haven't gone to school. They'll look at you, sympathetically, with big puppy dog eyes, brimming with misplaced pity and say something like, "so, you didn't go to school, did you?". Fuck you. Fuck you so much. I'm going to purposefully bring out shoes three sizes too small and put them in a box that says they are your size so that you put them on, walk around in them, and hurt your toes. Don't fuck with me. I hold the fate of your feet in my hands. I own you. Not really... but... I like pretending that I have more power than I actually do. But seriously... I will fuck up your feet. I did go to post-secondary, for five years. I have a PhD in kicking your ass, with Honours, so, watch yourself 64 year-old lady. You have an artificial hip, I could totally take you.
2) People don't want you to touch their feet.
This one I was actually thrilled to learn. Back in the day employees at shoe stores were required to put all shoes on and take all shoes off the customers' feet. When I first got the job I thought great, I'm going to be a minimum wage Al Bundy, sentenced to touch crabby women's feet forever. This is my own personal hell. But, to my surprise, I have only measured one guy's foot since my employment. People usually know their foot size, so they don't ask you to check for them, and thank god for that. I have never liked feet and especially after this job, I think people with feet fetishes are some of the fucking strangest people in all existence. All the visually appealing and fun body parts you could have an obsession with and you chose feet? Seriously?
3) Speaking of feet the fancy looking foot measuring device I'm sure you've seen before is called a Brannock Device.
The more you know. When that question comes up now in Trivial Pursuit, you'll rock it. You're welcome.
4) Finding a pair of shoes that are comfortable enough to work in for 8.5 hours is horribly difficult.
5) People assume back rooms contain a magical Narnia world that constantly rains down all the shoes they want you to find for them.
Let me explain back rooms to you... they are a mess. Just like with kitchens and bathrooms at home, as much as you clean them, they are always dirty, because they are in constant use. I'm not saying this as a dig at the back room people at my work, it's just honestly impossible to keep everything in order back there. There's always something that couldn't get finished from last shift going on during your current shift, where most likely, you're not going to be able to get through everything on your to-do list either, so, you're always a little behind. You need like, a human with octopus arms on steroids to get that job done, it's that crazy. At my work specifically we have three separate back rooms; one for ladies footwear and booties (boots that go up to the ankle) and three brands of long fashion boots, just to fuck with you, one room for all other long fashion boots and one back room for men's shoes. When you disappear behind the corner to check if you have something in another size or colour for a customer however, they assume everything you're looking for is in one place, and I can't blame them for that assumption. I probably would have assumed the same thing, but now I know better when it comes to shoe departments. I don't mind them assuming everything is in one room so much as I mind that when one person shoves five shoes at me, wanting these three in one size and the remaining two in another and I go to check for them, if I'm gone for more than two minutes, when I come back I almost always get this response; "Oh, there you are! I thought you went off for a coffee or something. Where did you disappear to?" To which my internal response is this:
Where was I? Oh, I'm sorry Ma'am, I must have been busy going to the back room over there, at the other end of the store to get the two pairs of boots you wanted then coming back over here to find the other three pairs of shoes, of which, there's no pictures of the shoes on the boxes, so I have to read all the codes in order to match them and had to go up ladders to get two of them off the shelf. Was I inconveniencing you? Cutting into your shopping time? We both know you're not going to buy any of these shoes anyway and that your feet are too fat for the red pumps and your calves are too wide to fit either pair of boots I brought out, meaning I will just have to put all these boxes away later, which will be fun for me. I love dealing with all your bullshit for $10.25/hr. It fills me with such joy.
6) Every department store loves to start playing conclusively Christmas music early into November, and it will drive you fucking insane.
In my opinion if it's not December it's too early for Christmas music. Working where I work, music-wise, is like being trapped in a club where the DJ is your ex, still bitter from your non-mutual breakup, set on making you suffer a mental breakdown by seeing how many repeated playings of "Santa Baby" you can endure. For me the answer is not many. I caught myself humming "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" in the back room the other day and wanted to cut out my own tongue.
The only time I've enjoyed the music I've been subjected to at work was during a Gala event the store was having where they hired an actual DJ. I was enjoying the music selection until he played the song "Cha Cha Slide" by DJ Casper and I made myself sad by remembering all the words and the dance to that song and realized that I haven't danced to it/heard it since it was played at my freaking prom, back in 2007. Fuck I'm old. Here's the song for those who haven't had the pleasure of getting groovy to it:
7) Customers assume all our computers are the futuristic ones Ironman has access to.
It's an old computer, OK? I know you all love to assume my job is fucking easy and a parrot wearing a fez could easily do it, but it's an old system and there's a surprising amount to it. A lot of the sales we have to price override ourselves because they don't come up. Things like paying off a credit card by cheque, checking to see if another one of our stores has an item for you, checking to see if you can order the item in store, processing a return, processing an exchange, all take several keystrokes and separate steps. So would you give me a god damn second?
8) Never phone a store's shoe department to see if they have a shoe you want.
We will almost never pick up the phone unless it's a manager. We just don't have the time to help you. Priority is given to customers who are there. Also, don't be that JACKASS who comes in, asks if we have a shoe in your size/colour, we check, tell you we unfortunately don't but we offer to do a search to see if one of our other store locations have it for you, print off a convenient list for you of all the phone numbers of the other stores and how many of the shoes you want that they have in stock, and then you ask us to call a store for you. Buddy... do you not see the line of people I have at my cash, waiting to be checked out, do a return, or see if we have a shoe they want? Your iPhone is right in your hand. I can see it. Call. Your. Fucking. Self. I hate you. Go away.
9) After hearing my voice on a PA system when needing to page different Managers and departments, I've come to the conclusion that I hate my voice.
10) No, you can't just take a shoehorn sir. Frankly, I'm tired of you asking me. You have to buy them... they cost like 4 bucks.
1) People will assume you're stupid - get used to it.
While it's much easier to say "get used to it" than it is to actually put it into practice, it's sadly something myself and co-workers deal with far too often, and it helps make your job easier if you develop a tough skin to customers' negative assumptions about you. I've been asked, well, not even asked more so just been told by customers that I haven't gone to school. They'll look at you, sympathetically, with big puppy dog eyes, brimming with misplaced pity and say something like, "so, you didn't go to school, did you?". Fuck you. Fuck you so much. I'm going to purposefully bring out shoes three sizes too small and put them in a box that says they are your size so that you put them on, walk around in them, and hurt your toes. Don't fuck with me. I hold the fate of your feet in my hands. I own you. Not really... but... I like pretending that I have more power than I actually do. But seriously... I will fuck up your feet. I did go to post-secondary, for five years. I have a PhD in kicking your ass, with Honours, so, watch yourself 64 year-old lady. You have an artificial hip, I could totally take you.
This one I was actually thrilled to learn. Back in the day employees at shoe stores were required to put all shoes on and take all shoes off the customers' feet. When I first got the job I thought great, I'm going to be a minimum wage Al Bundy, sentenced to touch crabby women's feet forever. This is my own personal hell. But, to my surprise, I have only measured one guy's foot since my employment. People usually know their foot size, so they don't ask you to check for them, and thank god for that. I have never liked feet and especially after this job, I think people with feet fetishes are some of the fucking strangest people in all existence. All the visually appealing and fun body parts you could have an obsession with and you chose feet? Seriously?
The more you know. When that question comes up now in Trivial Pursuit, you'll rock it. You're welcome.
My funds were getting low due to a year and a half of unemployment before landing this shoe department gig that when I was told I'd need black shoes for work to suit the almost all black dress code I went over to Payless and got myself some super cheap AirWalks. We're not allowed running shoes of any kind, our footwear has to be a bit dressier than that, so I got the AirWalks that are basically just black fabric going across your foot with a plastic white bottom with minimal tread. They look just like these, very similar to Toms shoes.
I tragically can not warn past Danielle that she is a fucking dumbass for making this decision, but if I could, I absolutely would slap myself. Don't underestimate the physical toll being on your feet for 8.5 hrs has on a body, especially when working in a shoes department. Over half my time at work is spent crouching or on my knees or on my tip toes when looking for shoes in the back rooms, going up and down ladders, running, speed walking, just constantly go go go. These shoes are some of the most comfortable shoes you will ever wear.... if you're planning on walking short distances or just hanging out with friends, but they are the flattest shoes in all existence. No heel = absolutely zero back support plus a thin canvas cloth covering = no foot protection for when you drop something on your feet... which of course happened to me as both life and gravity hates me. "So then just buy a pair of new black shoes that are affordable and still match the dress code Danielle", you might say, and that's what I did.... but breaking in the shoes caused my pinky toes to blister... so now I have a conundrum. Until I can break in my new pairs of work shoes enough on weekends that they don't hurt me at work any more, before every shift I have a painful decision to make; should I wear my AirWalks that are soft on my toes and aren't causing a rubbing agitation on my pinkies but give me no back support so that I feel like Rob Ford sat on me when I get home, or, wear the newer shoes with back support but are stiff and cause my pinkies to blister and feet to bleed? Decisions decisions.
Let me explain back rooms to you... they are a mess. Just like with kitchens and bathrooms at home, as much as you clean them, they are always dirty, because they are in constant use. I'm not saying this as a dig at the back room people at my work, it's just honestly impossible to keep everything in order back there. There's always something that couldn't get finished from last shift going on during your current shift, where most likely, you're not going to be able to get through everything on your to-do list either, so, you're always a little behind. You need like, a human with octopus arms on steroids to get that job done, it's that crazy. At my work specifically we have three separate back rooms; one for ladies footwear and booties (boots that go up to the ankle) and three brands of long fashion boots, just to fuck with you, one room for all other long fashion boots and one back room for men's shoes. When you disappear behind the corner to check if you have something in another size or colour for a customer however, they assume everything you're looking for is in one place, and I can't blame them for that assumption. I probably would have assumed the same thing, but now I know better when it comes to shoe departments. I don't mind them assuming everything is in one room so much as I mind that when one person shoves five shoes at me, wanting these three in one size and the remaining two in another and I go to check for them, if I'm gone for more than two minutes, when I come back I almost always get this response; "Oh, there you are! I thought you went off for a coffee or something. Where did you disappear to?" To which my internal response is this:
Where was I? Oh, I'm sorry Ma'am, I must have been busy going to the back room over there, at the other end of the store to get the two pairs of boots you wanted then coming back over here to find the other three pairs of shoes, of which, there's no pictures of the shoes on the boxes, so I have to read all the codes in order to match them and had to go up ladders to get two of them off the shelf. Was I inconveniencing you? Cutting into your shopping time? We both know you're not going to buy any of these shoes anyway and that your feet are too fat for the red pumps and your calves are too wide to fit either pair of boots I brought out, meaning I will just have to put all these boxes away later, which will be fun for me. I love dealing with all your bullshit for $10.25/hr. It fills me with such joy.
In my opinion if it's not December it's too early for Christmas music. Working where I work, music-wise, is like being trapped in a club where the DJ is your ex, still bitter from your non-mutual breakup, set on making you suffer a mental breakdown by seeing how many repeated playings of "Santa Baby" you can endure. For me the answer is not many. I caught myself humming "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" in the back room the other day and wanted to cut out my own tongue.
The only time I've enjoyed the music I've been subjected to at work was during a Gala event the store was having where they hired an actual DJ. I was enjoying the music selection until he played the song "Cha Cha Slide" by DJ Casper and I made myself sad by remembering all the words and the dance to that song and realized that I haven't danced to it/heard it since it was played at my freaking prom, back in 2007. Fuck I'm old. Here's the song for those who haven't had the pleasure of getting groovy to it:
7) Customers assume all our computers are the futuristic ones Ironman has access to.
It's an old computer, OK? I know you all love to assume my job is fucking easy and a parrot wearing a fez could easily do it, but it's an old system and there's a surprising amount to it. A lot of the sales we have to price override ourselves because they don't come up. Things like paying off a credit card by cheque, checking to see if another one of our stores has an item for you, checking to see if you can order the item in store, processing a return, processing an exchange, all take several keystrokes and separate steps. So would you give me a god damn second?
We will almost never pick up the phone unless it's a manager. We just don't have the time to help you. Priority is given to customers who are there. Also, don't be that JACKASS who comes in, asks if we have a shoe in your size/colour, we check, tell you we unfortunately don't but we offer to do a search to see if one of our other store locations have it for you, print off a convenient list for you of all the phone numbers of the other stores and how many of the shoes you want that they have in stock, and then you ask us to call a store for you. Buddy... do you not see the line of people I have at my cash, waiting to be checked out, do a return, or see if we have a shoe they want? Your iPhone is right in your hand. I can see it. Call. Your. Fucking. Self. I hate you. Go away.
9) After hearing my voice on a PA system when needing to page different Managers and departments, I've come to the conclusion that I hate my voice.
10) No, you can't just take a shoehorn sir. Frankly, I'm tired of you asking me. You have to buy them... they cost like 4 bucks.
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