David Vertesi

I fell in love with this gentleman's music awhile ago, but something about tonight made me crave its sound again, so I figured I would post one of his songs here as he deserves a lot more attention.

Perfect music video too. Painfully accurate depiction of unrequited love, which we've all experienced if we're being honest with ourselves. I think I'm going to sign this song soon.

Music Therapy

I usually, almost never, tend to get "deep" on the Internet, so I apologize in advance for my clumsy fumbling around in the dark, but I'm hoping that by writing on the faceless Internet, of which I don't have many followers, a post of which I don't expect anyone to read, I might break through life's looking glass to the other side, and feel a therapeutic relief in just talking to myself. Maybe, if I'm really lucky, doing so will help me understand myself as well.

I've never been good at figuring out myself, as far back as I can remember. What I want, what I don't want, what my purpose is... looking inward in an attempt to answer all those questions honestly scares the absolute shit out of me. Some people will say they have no fears when pressed by others to list things that scare them, but I think if people are honest with themselves, we all have at least a couple fears.

I always avoid using the phrase "I've been through a lot" as it's completely relative and sounds super condescending to the trials of life others have had to endure, and I am more than aware that I've had it pretty good. A family that loves me, a parent that provides, no life-threatening illnesses to date (at least that I'm aware of, God knows everything causes Cancer these days...) and I've never known true lean times. I've always had a roof over my head, food on my table, and been given every opportunity. I think sometimes though that if a person's life fulfils the most basic level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, (the Physiological needs; breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis, excretion) society's instinct is to inform said person that they have nothing to complain about and that things could be far worse. While I agree with the latter statement, I genuinely fear that people forget about the other pains and hurdles in life, or that they are remembered, but are given less legitimacy in terms of how they factor into a person's assessment or general take-home feeling of how their life is going.

My parents never pushed me onto any specific path or forced my hand in terms of what to study in school. I can confidently know that if I were to bring home a man of a different race or religious background my parents would welcome him into our home without a shred of judgement or hostility. If I were to bring home a woman, and suddenly announce I was a Lesbian, or confused, or Bisexual, they would, likewise, offer their full support. I know, despite how distant and unfeeling my Brother can seem, how much of an only child I can feel, or how distant our relationship has become over the years, that he too, loves me, but this does not mean I don't know pain.

My Mom has been ill a lot, with depression, and when you're a kid, something like that is too complicated to understand. I wondered if she was dying at times as she wouldn't get out of bed, or shower, and lost a lot of weight, and my Dad would just describe it as "she was sad", so I would try to entertain her. Each forced smile was a victory, each giggle felt like Christmas, and I think growing up that way is the primary reason why today, I still feel so uncomfortable showing sadness  or even discussing serious topics in my life with 90% of the people I know. I know what it's like to see someone utterly broken-down, and crying, and not being able to provide comfort, and how utterly defeating that feels. I fear I would have a similar impact on my friends, as most of them have never seen me cry, and if I were to let it out rather than isolating myself as I do when upset, they might feel like I did as a kid, and I don't wish that on my greatest enemy.

She never talked about suicide directly to my face that I can remember, (except for one time when she made a backhanded comment about how I shouldn't leave her alone with scissors that I shrugged off as her exaggerating), but when I was older I accidently came across these journals she used to write in when upset. She talked about wanting to die, a lot, in various different ways. She's sobbed about the pointlessness of life while I've forced her to eat, and I have handled it. My Brother has not only discussed suicide, but attempted it, I'm not sure how many times (I'm aware of one, maybe two..), and I've handled it. I've had to go to too many funerals of young people, people my age, staring at them in an open coffin, alive yesterday and now dead due to some freak accident like accidently suffocating themselves or slipping in a shower, and I've dealt with it... but what truly scares the fuck out of me, is myself.

Maybe it's just that I've handled a lot for a long time that is causing me to feel like I'm unravelling and have been for awhile, and it's stupid for me to feel shocked at this development, or dissapointed in myself for unravelling, as, well, who wouldn't? But I expect more from myself. Maybe too much. I expect to be able to handle it, and over the years, I've become comfortable being the shoulder for another, talking about topics way beyond my understanding or maturity level at a young age until now, wanting nothing more than to help someone else safely across the bridge that I haven't the foggiest how to walk my own ass across.

I fear that I don't know how to take care of myself. I don't know who I am, and I don't know what I want. 2012 has caused me more uncertainty than I've ever experienced before in my life; with my career path and education, with my boyfriend, with my family, and with who it is I am as a person. I want to napalm the shit out of 2012, and smile and laugh in the glow of the resulting blast.

When I feel really alone and/or unable to sleep, really well-done movies and music can make me feel connected to something, usually a character or lyrics, and suddenly, I can feel tethered to the world again rather than floating in Danielle space. For me tonight the movie that aided me was "Up in the Air", which I watched for the third time. The soundtrack, (as is often the case for fantastic movies) is outstanding, and I felt both very sad and happy at the same time listening to the below song. I don't think there are any combination of words in existence that would sum up how those closest to me who know what's going on with me (so like.... 4 people, again, I'm not a sharer) probably feel.

They are scared for me and worried about me. I'm used to being there for people, but lately, I feel I have nothing to offer, so I've kind of fallen into non-existence and been collapsing into myself like a dying star. I have a very convincing smile I can put on though, as I've perfected through the years, to keep others off my scent when overwhelmed, so sometimes, I really enjoy being alone as I have nobody to keep up an act with. And yet.... I am so scared by myself that it's hard to put it into words.

So in case I don't feel better anytime soon, in case my worst fear happens and genes betray me and I become ill like my Mother (which is part of the reason I don't believe in marriage and am not sure I want kids or a family, because when you have one, if sick, you are a heavy burden, as my Mom can be... I rather suffer in loneliness than drag others down with me) .... this song makes me feel understood for at least a glorious three minutes and 24 seconds.

If anyone is actually reading this, I do whole-heartingly recommend both the film "Up in the Air" and it's accompyning soundtrack. Thanks for reading this.

Take it away boys:

You're giving me such sweet nothing

Another great track from Florence Welch, the lady of music who is almost incapable of doing any wrong.

She makes music her bitch. 

I'm pretty sure I'm 100% straight, but Florence..... marry me. You're my freebie girl crush.

Let's make this happen.

Yeah Toast!!!!

Because all I do with my blog anymore is forget it exists and whore out my Youtube channel....

here's another thing from my aforementioned channel

It's about toast.

Unemployment

My thoughts on my continuous unemployment for my fellow unemployed suffers.

I am slowly losing my damn mind.

I'm on youtube again

Maneesh

This is hands-down, one of my favourite things I have ever found on the Internet. A buried treasure I was lucky enough to uncover.

We all have those moments where we really see ourselves in something. A connection with a character. If we're lucky, a lot of these times the connection is a positive one. We see a glowing, triumphant reflection of ourselves in a movie, book or friend's humour etc., and it makes us feel good about ourselves, and more importantly, not alone in the world.

I have learned this last year how important it is to know you're not alone. How crushing the feeling can be, when we wrongly convince ourselves that we are alone. I've taken it so hard before that its crawled into my chest, and caused me to have trouble breathing. A body-crippling anxiety.

Far beyond the feeling of being alone however, is my opinion of the worst feeling in the world.  My biggest fear. Feeling not good enough. Not good enough for yourself, someone else, and anyone else.

As Leonardo DiCaprio's character Cobb asked the audience in Inception; "What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient.... highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed -fully understood-that sticks, right in there somewhere... " Once we convince ourselves, or rather, even begin to have the slightest doubt in our bodies that we are just plain "not enough" (whatever the fuck that means), it takes a huge event in our lives, a truly magnificent person, or sometimes, even medication for us to take steps to get over this.

In my opinion, I think a person remains forever changed after that parasitic thought first latches onto our brain. I don't think it can ever fully be shaken free, we just surround ourselves with people and situations that
makes us feel short-term that we are enough, that distract us from the incessant nagging, pulsating doubt in our brain that whispers and echos at us when we are alone; "not enough not enough, not enough". 

This cycle of feeling not enough and the utter helplessness that always pairs that feeling terrifies me and cuts me deeper than any other feeling I have experienced. I constantly fear the fresh new bouts of not feeling enough more than I fear my own eventual demise.

This short dramatic skit I found on youtube, "Maneesh", threw my slightly darkened heart into a video before my eyes. For those that read this, I don't wish to say too much about my interpretation of the skit and its meaning, (as I think it's great to have an audience reach their own conclusions for works such as these) but to me this piece is all about self-rejection. 


Being surrounded by people, or just one person, who is completely bewildered by our lack of self-esteem, and constant feeling of shame we have for ourselves. Shame over how we look. Shame over our education. Shame over how we talk. If our toes are too close together, or if we have too many freckles. The shame and over-analysis that plagues us all (to varying degrees).

It's about that look of pain in another person's eyes when they realize they can't help us, and our sometimes terrible self-image.

To me it's about what could have been, and what we walk away from and loose due to our own self-rejection. The unwritten chapter in our lives that we can now never read since we talked ourselves out of applying to that school, trying to get that scholarship, joining that baseball team or asking that girl out.

It's about feeling alone, and being wanted by others, but being too scared to put ourselves out there because being "out there" can lead to pain.

It's about me. And you.

This is a less happy time to see a reflection of myself in something, but knowing the beasts inside of you helps you to vanquish them. I have a rather large "Maneesh" inside of me that I hide away with a front of sarcasm to prevent most others from seeing it.

And he must be found and destroyed. He is holding me back.

Enjoy:

Maneesh

Reformed Whores

At first it was the band name alone that drew my attention. 

As colourful as my vocabulary tends to be, the word "whore" is normally one that makes me cringe, if not physically at least mentally. While I, like countless other women, am not a fan of the word, (I say "countless others" because we all know some dumb ass women who refer to all their "girlfriends" as whores, sluts, twats, or bitches. I love swearing, and reserve those words for people I don't like, but I think it should be perfectly legal  to chop off the head of any woman who refers to people they actually like as "whores" or "sluts" via a lightsaber. Preferably Darth Maul's double-ended sith lightsaber if available) the name "Reformed Whores" is so thoroughly badass. 

What's even more badass is the band is composed of two women (unlike the band "Barenaked Ladies". How many disappointed men there must have been around the world when they first actually saw the band...) that sing songs primary comedic in nature. 

But wait, the most badass element of this duo is that one woman plays the accordion and the other a ukulele. 

Maximum badass level attained. 

Anyways, this is one of their songs that makes me laugh. The blonde in the yellow is particularly funny. Her line at the end is the best. 

The true sign that you need a job.. or something new in your life

If you've been sitting at your computer trying to get your iso copy of the 1998 SORRY! PC game to run on your DOS emulator for about an hour, and are increasingly wanting to drink the frustrations away with wine.

Good sign your life might need a bit of a change.

Indecisions

We've all been there.

You are faced with some kind of decision you have to make, are on a timeline, and far past the rationalizing stage where you have mentally considered the pros and cons of both potential decisions. Now you are left with what I consider to be the hardest part. What is it that you just want, for yourself, at the end of the day?

Often times if we are honest with ourselves, we know what we want. The hard part, for me at least, comes with that logic being muddled with other factors, such as, but not limited to; Yes, I want this, but is it the "smart" decision? What will others think of me based on this decision? Will I regret this later on?, etc. etc.

Normally these factors are focused on how my decisions will affect other people, rather than myself.

I do struggle with knowing what I want at times, because I'm far too introspective for my own good and have a tendency to consider the previously mentioned factors to the point where they drown out the voice of my own desires for myself and my life. It is extremely frustrating to come across others that are far less indecisive than I, because seeing them breeze through important decisions makes me feel like everyone got a manual for understanding their brain and heart from birth, and mine was the only one to arrive in Korean.

Sadly, I don't know Korean, and my progress with understanding my manual by referring to my English to Korean dictionary is proving slow-coming.

The one silver-lining benefit I see with being a tortured member of the indecisive club (you can check in, but you can't check out... or rather, you will be racked with too much indecision to decide if you want to check out...) is that since we seem to pour ourselves over our decisions more than most, I personally find while I have had a lot of mental anguish and stress in my lifetime, which has aged me, I have very few regrets.

Maybe it's due to cognitive dissonance, that when we spend hours, days, even months trying to make a decision, we refuse to look back and wonder "what if...?" because that would cause our heads to explode and us to spiral downwards into a pit of depression and snakes. Depression is the worst when it's accompanied by snakes.

So, fellow sufferers of indecision, keep that in mind. The hardest thing about life is that happiness requires a lot of balance between things.... and balance is hard to get and basically impossible to maintain. Yes, it's great to be spontaneous.... but we all know people who live so much in the moment that they never think things through, so while they have great stories to tell at parties, their lives tend to be a mess, and they have a lot of regrets. Carefully considering your options is great too.... but do it too much or too intensely and you'll look up from your decisions five years older. We miss so much happening around us when we gaze too long and hard into the mirror.

My suggestion is to try and find out what side of things you tend to be on; either being too spontaneous or too indecisive and being aware of it. It might help you when you're struggling with you next decision to keep in mind that you might want to think this one through more than you normally do, or that you might need to give yourself a break this time.

The race of life is long, sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind, but in the end, it's only against yourself.

My tattoo I got about two years ago that helps remind me to be in the moment more:

Very short post this time around.

Yesterday while in a YouTube hole, I discovered ScooterMagruder's videos.

He is a decently funny guy, and made a video called "What I Hate About Women"

No, this is not going to be a Feminist-charged discussion... I found his video pretty funny.

Also, he had some solid points about women.

I was super bored yesterday, so at the end of the video when he invited viewers to make
him a video reply back... I thought.... hellz yes I will.

Since I was not offended by his video, my response is primarily comedic in nature as was his vid.

His video can be found here:

What I Hate About Women

And my response can be found here:

What Happens When I'm Bored

Have a terrific day all! ~xo

How to Get Pumped Up!!

You know those days where nothing is particularly wrong, you're not sad, yet you just feel.... blah?
Of course you do. We all have them.

Those days where you want to do nothing but lie in bed and watch seven or so episodes of Breaking Bad in a row. I did that about two days ago, and as quality as AMC programming tends to be, when I felt my computer mouse click on the play button of another episode today, my brain stopped myself this time.

Dude. Seriously?
We all have those days, but you were already a bum... recently. 
Balls to this. Get stuff done. 


Balls to this indeed. So I listened to my stupid, yet right brain, and then was just stuck with answering the daunting question that rattles around in all our brains when in comfy sweat pants and under body-temperature sheets. The fucking blinking cursor on our newly opened Word document, taunting us. How do I get my ass in gear?

In these moments, I am very glad I obtained my B.A. in Psychology, as it has proved immensely helpful in training me to be better at tricking myself into doing shit I don't want to do with some good ol' positive reinforcement. The long-term us knows that by doing some school work now, or an errand, or editing that friend's paper, or by getting an early start on our taxes (joy), or whatever it is that we don't want to do at that moment, that we will be happier later. The fly in the ointment, so to speak, is that the long-term us is a pale-skinned 80 pound weakling that needs an inhaler to walk two steps in their orthopaedic shoes, and the short-term us, our Id, the NOW us, is a crazy mother fucker that lays dudes out. The now us doesn't want to do jack, and the now us almost always wins.

So again, the question remains, how do I make myself do shit?
Simple, make yourself feel good. Your body and mind will then take care of the rest. Get rid of the blah.

This is my list of a few things I do to get myself all pumped up.
Hopefully it will prove useful to some of you. I dare you all to try at least some of these things if you don't do them already.

1. Have a nice, warm shower. 

Cardinal rule; everything seems better after a warm shower. Always. No exceptions.

The world is brighter and more promising than before you stepped into its porcelain world.
Take your time in there. Shave. Feels amazing to be all smooth to the touch. This goes for dudes too. I love shaving my legs as often as I can, helps make me feel sexy. Men, engage in some manscaping.

One of my favourite things to do in the world is this; plug both your ears with your fingers and, slowly, with your eyes closed, tilt your head backwards into the stream of water, all the way up to your forehead. Then slowly move your head back towards your chest. The water stream sounds like a magical waterfall inside your head; a calming waterfall in existence just for your enjoyment.

If warm showers tend to make you drowsy, (or if you just want to try this out, as I recommend it) at the very end of your shower, make the water colder. It has to be cold enough to cause you to feel awake and a little uncomfortable. Let the water fall on you for awhile then jump out of the shower. All your pores will feel more awake than you have ever experienced, and it's wonderful. You are now alert, and clean.

But Danielle, I like so many others, am morally opposed to cold showers. 


Fine then, don't try it. It's only a suggestion friend.

      2.  Dress like the world's most comfortable hobo.

After a shower, because I am a woman with long hair, I absolutely hate getting dressed into the clothes I want to wear for the day while my hair is still wet. I understand this is not an issue for most men, as after two or three rubs of the towel, your hair is pretty much dry and ready to go (you lucky pricks) but I still suggest this. Get out of the shower, towel off, and put on something comfy that you are not wearing the rest of the day. If a woman, comb your hair and dry it. Moisturize. I don't do it enough and I have no clue why. The best feeling in combination with being warm and clean is having soft skin. Gentlemen, treat yourself to a shave, then moisturise. Pay attention to your feet. They get sore and dry from being on them everyday. Massage them, it is pure euphoria. Ladies, look at your make-up free face in the mirror and smile.

Recognize that this is the real you, and you should never feel compelled to hide it under make-up everyday of your life. True beauty comes from within and all that crap (it really does though).

     3. Take some time with your appearance.

I know this part of the pump up list will seem hypocritical being listed just after me reminding ladies that they are beautiful au-natural. Let me be clear, this point is not about putting on mountains of make-up, (unless of course, that is just how you prefer looking, and what makes you feel the most beautiful, then by all means) it is about feeling good and prideful with how you look today. I wish I learned this lesson in my life a lot sooner, but the kinder you are to your body, the happier you will be, honestly.

I tend to be the type who only puts serious effort into how I look when I'm going out, or catching up with friends, because then there is a concrete reason. Hell, I don't wear a bra 70% of the time. It never struck me until recently, that the reason to look good on just your average day, anyday, everyday, is yourself. Look good for yourself. It helps improve my mood an unbelievable amount. I still suggest not putting on a lot of make-up ladies, as it can become an addiction, where you feel uncomfortable leaving the house without your "face" on. This is a very sad thing to witness, and if you feel compelled to do so because you have convinced yourself that all men prefer women who look like this, that is irrational, and simply not true. However, do whatever makes you feel beautiful, to yourself, nobody else. Fuck everybody else. Just recognize that the morning face you have, is gorgeous too, and a lot more truthful.

Pictured: The truth.

But today I felt like red confident bitch lipstick and pearls.
Why? Why fucking not.

The point is, enjoy your body. Try not to spend too much time being ashamed of it, or worrying about what others think of it. It is the most powerful instrument you will ever own, and it's all yours.

It's been so long since I just tried to look good for myself, that while straightening my hair today my body responded like a dog wagging its tail.

Oh boy!! Are we going to go for a car ride?

No, we're going to be productive today and tackle homework.

My brain is still currently not on speaking terms with me due to this deception, however, I am confident that with therapy, we will eventually be able to work things out.

    4. Now bring the beat.

Music. We all love it. I personally like putting on music while transitioning from step 2 to step 3 of this list, but it's up to you. The key here is you want upbeat music that evokes you to euphoria. Music you can't help but smile to. Songs that have a past connection to a friendship of yours, University or College or High School, and other great memories are good places to start. Here are some suggestions to get your playlist rockin':

Start Your Party Off With These Fellas

And These

An Oldie but ALWAYS a Goodie.

I Would Go Gay For This Woman

... And This One (this one is not as upbeat, but it still makes me happy)

Mother Mother 

Stars

Alright! So, to recap, now you smell good, look good, and have happy tunes blaring.
Feel better? I always do by this point.

Two more suggestions!!

    5. Your room, your castle.

I am unfortunately not yet an apartment or home owner (ohhh, being a student) so all I can attest to in terms of personal space is my room, but still, I have a suggestion.

From comparing my friends' rooms to my own, I have noticed this. I put the things that make me amazingly happy in plain sight. I surround myself with some of my favourite things, and friends have noticed this and will say how my room really suits me as a person and matches my personality. This is no accident.

I have a string of those old Christmas mini-lights pegged to where the ceiling meets the wall on one side of my room. The bright colours make me happy, and I turn them on at night sometimes. I have a few mini disco balls slightly hanging from my ceiling. I am 22, going on 23, and have Batman bedsheets.

Again. Why fucking not? If it makes you happy, have it there for you to easily see!

I have a sign language pillow, my University degree proudly hung up on the other side of the room, reminding me of my accomplishments when I feel low, a shelf filled with retro Sega Genesis games.

Your room should be a space where your soul goes to re-cooperate from how harsh the world can be. Make it that way for yourself! When I have tons of assignments, I turn on the Christmas lights and play some old 8-bit videogame tunes, and ya know what? The work never seems as daunting after that.

    6. The best for last.

Compliment someone. Right now. Do it.

I dare you to randomly text the sixth person down from the top of your contact list and tell them what you think about them. You would be surprised at how good you will feel, making someone else's day, reminding someone that you care about them, and also, you would be AMAZED at how much some people may be seriously needing compliments. I talk the talk so I walked the walk and texted my friend sixth down from the top, and his response was "What?" and then followed by wondering if I was trying to sleep with him and saying that he "never gets compliments". That just makes me sad.

Tell your friends that they are wonderful, that they are smart, funny, fashionable, kind, and gorgeous.

You will never regret it or find it a waste of time. Text, or better yet call, someone you love right now.

If none of that helps you out, consider getting a pet. Animals provide us with unconditional love that humans can never even hope to match. Cats, dogs, whatever, they all help raise one's spirits.

Also, exercise. Releases Neurotransmitters like Dopamine and Serotonin which cause happiness, so there is always the scientific approach too.

 Regardless, I'm going to make today a wonderful day, and I hope the rest of you can manage to as well.

Maybe I even helped. Stay positive everyone!! ~xo. <3

Hello Internet! (Courtney)

Happy Saturday! Well.. I guess it's Sunday now.
The official day of productivity for student procrastinators,
and day of judgement and forgiveness-seeking for the religious.

While technically it's the Sabbath now, the topic of my discussion of sorts is about Saturday.
Saturday in all its glory. I have always felt the expression 'TGIF' (thank God it's Friday)
should be changed to instead celebrate the pure awesomeness that is Saturdays.

No need to pry your lazy ass out of your body-temperature bed and cosy sheets early in the morning.
Often no school or work in the morning/day, (unlike Fridays for most people) and unlike God day, it's untainted by the gloomy realization, the stomach-writhing, soul-crushing reality that tomorrow is the beginning of another week of work and/or school, and other shit you don't want to be doing.

Bitchin' Saturday. That's where it's at.

So what did you do with your Saturday night?
Meet up with some friends? Go see a movie?
Go out on the town or grab a beer and shoot some pool?
That sounds nice.
What did I do?

I wrote to Ellen Degeneres.

I didn't think I would have something 'interesting' enough to share so soon (especially literally the day after I started this thing, specifically saying I don't think I will have much to share to the world), but how often does one write to Ellen Degeneres? (... usually only once).

Since I am pathetic
lonely
boring 
a dreamer (Supertramp tells me so), I wrote to that "can Ellen help you fulfil a dream?" section of The Ellen Degeneres Show's website.

And why would I do such a thing? Because of this woman:

It's OK to drool. I often do myself.

Tina Fuckin' Fey (note: not her actual middle name) is a comedy goddess.
American actress, writer, producer, comedian, and most importantly, my personal idol.
If that last part isn't on her already impressive resume, she should add it post haste.  


I want to meet Tina Fey
I want to go on a bicycle ride with Tina Fey (we would have to rent a tandem bike)
I want to touch Tina Fey
... I want to be Tina Fey. I'm already basically this woman:

Pictured: Liz Lemon, one of Tina Fey's most popular characters, the main protagonist in NBC's hilarious show 30 Rock. 


Liz is outlandish, hard-working, uncouth, obsessed with food, and does not work very hard at being 'attractive' or 'womanly'. She has worn bras held together by tape, consumed 3 Musketeers chocolate bars for breakfast, and devised a clever elastic system on her treadmill so the fact that she's almost constantly single does not deter her from doing up a zipper on the back of her dresses by herself.

I have done 2/3's of those things myself, and if we're counting her publicly walking around with a pop-tart in her mouth, as she is flatteringly pictured above, I have done 3/4's.

So, reflecting on the fact that it's a NEW YEAR and I want to be more POSITIVE in my life,
renewed and filled again with naive young hope, I decided, what the hell, write to Ellen.
I have nothing to lose (other than more of my rapidly shrinking dignity).

Awhile back I made a silly video for my boyfriend, who also watches 30 Rock and adores Tina,
(as my application form for hopeful suitors clearly states is a resolute requirement) where I decided, for some crazy reason, to dress up as and act out some of the lines of the characters Liz, Jack Donaghy, Tracy Jordan (and other minor African American characters), and Dr. Leo Spaceman from the program.

We all know that if you are serious about being on TV, you need to fulfil at least one of the following requirements, (bonus points for falling under multiple categories):

• Have some sort of disability, or (possibly) incurable illness 
• Be a member of some minority 
• Cry, be stupid and dramatic, and overall, an airhead
• Be the cast of Jersey Shore (who also fulfil the first and third requirement) 
• Offer to (or pretend to offer to) show your vagina and/or breasts on air, or allude to fucking someone 
• Be completely offensive; a die-hard racist or complete bigot are two examples 
• Be immune to the idea of public humiliation

Unfortunately, I fail to fulfil the following requirements....

• Have some sort of disability (unless repeated "foot in mouth" syndrome is considered a disability, in which case, ya know, show me the appropriate paperwork)
• Be a member of some minority  (god damn it, I never catch a break being Caucasian!) 
• Cry, be stupid and dramatic, and overall, an airhead
• Be the cast of Jersey Shore  (gym tan laundry? I'm Casper white, and... what's a gym?)
• Offer to (or pretend to offer to) show your vagina and/or breasts on air (what's breasts?) 
• Be completely offensive; a die-hard racist or complete bigot are two examples 

Which sadly, but not surprisingly, only leaves: 

• Be immune to the idea of public humiliation

Which lead to me writing to Ellen the following, including a link to my embarrassing 30 Rock impression video...

"Once in a generation a woman comes along who changes everything. Tina Fey is not that woman, but she met that woman once and acted weird around her."
--- From the back jacket of Tina Fey's "Bossypants"

Since I have begun my plea to you, the fine individuals involved with The Ellen Show, with a quote from Tina Fey's book, it should come as no surprise that my request to you involves this stunning, exceptionally talented comedian.

I am begging for the opportunity to meet Tina Fey, and to, of course, act weird around her.

I draw many parallels to this woman, and feel the same strong sense of connection to her character Liz Lemon on 30 Rock, my favourite show. I even made a video of myself impersonating some different characters from 30 Rock, reciting some of my favourite lines. The video can be watched here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Nr9WZGxJrk&feature=youtu.be

I possess a very self-deprecating and "black comedy" sense of humour, similar to that of Fey's, was also once overweight and still hold an obsession with food, was plagued with a mullet hair cut that my mom thought was "neat" for several years, (the opening quote I used is placed next to a young photo of Fey, proudly sporting a boyish bowl cut) and have always possessed a deep-seated interest in acting, writing, and simply entertaining others.

I put a picture of Tina on Facebook, and my own mother and aunt thought it was me. I am Tina Fey.

My proof:

Please let me meet myself.
And dance with Ellen :)

So there we have it. My Saturday night, which I apparently found interesting enough to blog about.

If you're still with me, reading this, and watched the video link included in my submission, I can only be sure of one thing.... if you held any respect for me prior to watching it.... you definitely don't now (Courtney).

If you want to be one of the few individuals in the world who supports my far-fetched delusions, comment on this blog, and if I am selected to appear on Ellen to meet my beloved Tina, I will give you an on-air shout out.

Because that's how desperate for support cool I am. Just how I roll. 

And to save fellow lazy people from a Google search:

If anybody else is interested in suspending their disbelief long enough to dream like I, that one lesbian woman with an extreme love of dancing can really make your dreams come true, you can write to her, pleading your case here:

http://ellen.warnerbros.com/show/respond/?PlugID=548

Also, if you didn't understand my Supertramp reference;
1) Get off my planet. They are an awesome music group
and 2) Educate yourself on their sheer majesticness (yes, I just made up a word), here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BruEmB7_1ok

Have a wonderful Sabbath all.

So, I had no intention of ever having a blog, and will most likely shut this down in the very near future, (unless I can think of anything even remotely interesting to share with the Internets, (unlikely)) but created said blog in the first place in order to comment on my other friends' blog entries from time to time. Whenever the mood strikes me, as it did tonight.

I tried commenting on one of my friends' entries, when to my genuine suprise, a text box informed me that in order to comment on their post, I must first be the proud owner of a blog myself.

So drank the Kool-aid I did.

I feel merely having facebook and youtube accounts alone make me self-involved enough, so I find blogs dangerous.

Also, I'm currently wearing no pants and recently ate my own body weight in tacos.

So, there is also that.
My life is one non-stop party.