I've never been good at figuring out myself, as far back as I can remember. What I want, what I don't want, what my purpose is... looking inward in an attempt to answer all those questions honestly scares the absolute shit out of me. Some people will say they have no fears when pressed by others to list things that scare them, but I think if people are honest with themselves, we all have at least a couple fears.
I always avoid using the phrase "I've been through a lot" as it's completely relative and sounds super condescending to the trials of life others have had to endure, and I am more than aware that I've had it pretty good. A family that loves me, a parent that provides, no life-threatening illnesses to date (at least that I'm aware of, God knows everything causes Cancer these days...) and I've never known true lean times. I've always had a roof over my head, food on my table, and been given every opportunity. I think sometimes though that if a person's life fulfils the most basic level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, (the Physiological needs; breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis, excretion) society's instinct is to inform said person that they have nothing to complain about and that things could be far worse. While I agree with the latter statement, I genuinely fear that people forget about the other pains and hurdles in life, or that they are remembered, but are given less legitimacy in terms of how they factor into a person's assessment or general take-home feeling of how their life is going.
My parents never pushed me onto any specific path or forced my hand in terms of what to study in school. I can confidently know that if I were to bring home a man of a different race or religious background my parents would welcome him into our home without a shred of judgement or hostility. If I were to bring home a woman, and suddenly announce I was a Lesbian, or confused, or Bisexual, they would, likewise, offer their full support. I know, despite how distant and unfeeling my Brother can seem, how much of an only child I can feel, or how distant our relationship has become over the years, that he too, loves me, but this does not mean I don't know pain.
My Mom has been ill a lot, with depression, and when you're a kid, something like that is too complicated to understand. I wondered if she was dying at times as she wouldn't get out of bed, or shower, and lost a lot of weight, and my Dad would just describe it as "she was sad", so I would try to entertain her. Each forced smile was a victory, each giggle felt like Christmas, and I think growing up that way is the primary reason why today, I still feel so uncomfortable showing sadness or even discussing serious topics in my life with 90% of the people I know. I know what it's like to see someone utterly broken-down, and crying, and not being able to provide comfort, and how utterly defeating that feels. I fear I would have a similar impact on my friends, as most of them have never seen me cry, and if I were to let it out rather than isolating myself as I do when upset, they might feel like I did as a kid, and I don't wish that on my greatest enemy.
She never talked about suicide directly to my face that I can remember, (except for one time when she made a backhanded comment about how I shouldn't leave her alone with scissors that I shrugged off as her exaggerating), but when I was older I accidently came across these journals she used to write in when upset. She talked about wanting to die, a lot, in various different ways. She's sobbed about the pointlessness of life while I've forced her to eat, and I have handled it. My Brother has not only discussed suicide, but attempted it, I'm not sure how many times (I'm aware of one, maybe two..), and I've handled it. I've had to go to too many funerals of young people, people my age, staring at them in an open coffin, alive yesterday and now dead due to some freak accident like accidently suffocating themselves or slipping in a shower, and I've dealt with it... but what truly scares the fuck out of me, is myself.
Maybe it's just that I've handled a lot for a long time that is causing me to feel like I'm unravelling and have been for awhile, and it's stupid for me to feel shocked at this development, or dissapointed in myself for unravelling, as, well, who wouldn't? But I expect more from myself. Maybe too much. I expect to be able to handle it, and over the years, I've become comfortable being the shoulder for another, talking about topics way beyond my understanding or maturity level at a young age until now, wanting nothing more than to help someone else safely across the bridge that I haven't the foggiest how to walk my own ass across.
When I feel really alone and/or unable to sleep, really well-done movies and music can make me feel connected to something, usually a character or lyrics, and suddenly, I can feel tethered to the world again rather than floating in Danielle space. For me tonight the movie that aided me was "Up in the Air", which I watched for the third time. The soundtrack, (as is often the case for fantastic movies) is outstanding, and I felt both very sad and happy at the same time listening to the below song. I don't think there are any combination of words in existence that would sum up how those closest to me who know what's going on with me (so like.... 4 people, again, I'm not a sharer) probably feel.
They are scared for me and worried about me. I'm used to being there for people, but lately, I feel I have nothing to offer, so I've kind of fallen into non-existence and been collapsing into myself like a dying star. I have a very convincing smile I can put on though, as I've perfected through the years, to keep others off my scent when overwhelmed, so sometimes, I really enjoy being alone as I have nobody to keep up an act with. And yet.... I am so scared by myself that it's hard to put it into words.
So in case I don't feel better anytime soon, in case my worst fear happens and genes betray me and I become ill like my Mother (which is part of the reason I don't believe in marriage and am not sure I want kids or a family, because when you have one, if sick, you are a heavy burden, as my Mom can be... I rather suffer in loneliness than drag others down with me) .... this song makes me feel understood for at least a glorious three minutes and 24 seconds.
If anyone is actually reading this, I do whole-heartingly recommend both the film "Up in the Air" and it's accompyning soundtrack. Thanks for reading this.
Take it away boys:
You're not alone. To hell with 2012.
ReplyDeleteWe are in control of our own lives, and I promised myself that 2013 is going to be my year.
Wouldn't mind having someone to share the challenge with. :)
Easier said than done unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure your change of scenery is helping you out in your own
pursuit of change though.