The Witching Hour

What is it about nighttime that transforms me into a surreal version of myself akin to how a full moon transforms an infected human into a werewolf? Which is the real me? The daytime human or the beast at night?

I really hope I'm not alone in this feeling... Let me elaborate...

I've always been a night owl. I can wake up early without much difficulty in the mornings but I've always felt very alert in the evening. Most people are asleep and I can feel alone with my thoughts which is sometimes a good thing and sometimes not. Especially with the job I have now, I can't just come home and sleep after thinking in two languages all day as my brain is still firing at all cylinders. I normally choose to sleep after doing some super productive things like thinking of a strange array of weird shit (What if the Germans had won the war? How can I sign Biz Markie's "Just A Friend" in ASL? Why when I sneeze do my nipples get hard?), getting stuck in various youtube holes, and drinking wine and stalking that friend I haven't thought of since public school on Facebook, etc. You know. Normal stuff.

But then it gets really weird. I hope at least some people can relate to this. You start getting really optimistic. Usually about stuff you'll do tomorrow morning. It's a brand new day and you're going to get up early. Eat a balanced breakfast. Floss. Maybe do some Yoga or morning stretches (bitches love Yoga). I start bookmarking things like Victoria Secret Butt Workouts. I research the health benefits of the salt water cleanse. I look up recipes that involve kale. Kale.

My chubby ass has never done a cleanse in my life yet I have bookmarks from several websites listing the pros and the cons and I'm nodding along reading them at my keyboard, convincing myself that I'm giving it serious consideration.

I'm not the kind of girl who does cleanses or yoga or will realistically ever look like a Victoria Secret model. I'll never buy all organic or drink a green smoothie in my life. Basically anything that involves a blender is too much work for me. Also, fuck kale.

So I didn't get up early, of course. I slept in to just after eleven. My "balanced breakfast" consisted of a banana and some crackers.I didn't floss or work out and I'm considering only doing a body shower today and then putting dry shampoo in my hair as I can't be bothered.

I'm the Sandra Bullock character in a rom com. Rough around the edges, eating pizza in the gym in front of exhausted skinny women, life at times comically falling to pieces but somehow, "real" and loveable. Aww, look at her. She's a hot mess express but she's trying so hard and is sort of attractive!

I'm more than OK with being a Sandra Bullock-type but I'm turning 26 soon and at a certain age this trainwreck behavior becomes not cute anymore. I'll get demoted from starring as Sandra Bullock to the woman who is told to loose twenty pounds to play the friend to the girl who finds love in the movie, your Lizzy Caplans, Selma Blairs, Lake Bells, Ginnifer Goodwins and what have you.

The take home message of this is I'm getting older and it scares me.

Also fuck kale.